Someone asked the question " If God is good and real why does he allow so much bad".  I answered the question in short as it was a passing conversation; however, various forms of this question has come up again and again so I wanted to spend a few moments addressing this concern. Really this is an age old question, and I can not began to fully dive into its complexities, but I will just devote a few short paragraphs and my opinion.   In this blog and in my book I try to be as transparent as possible, and I will answer give my answer to this great question the same way.

Frankly, I struggled with this question for years.  Perhaps I should put some emphasis on it via multiple consonant ... YEARRRRSSSS.  Okay that felt more realistic.  To be frank my biggest question  on this did not come while I was an abused child, as someone might initially think.  See, as a child I thought God did not love me, so I did not really even believe I have the audacity to question God with why did bad thinks happen.  My question more came along the lines of "Why don't you love me too?"  To be honest the struggle came after becoming a Christian and figuring out God does love me, so than naturally next step- " well Gee God -um I think I am owed an explanation."  

The answer to this was not fully satisfied in me until about a year ago weeks after I wrote the book "Yes Girl He Loves Me.  You must understand to some extent the spiritual side of the battle.  We were born into a war.  There is an enemy (Satan and his army) actively working for our destruction whose mission is to kill, steal and destroy.  Yes, there is a God, but there is also a devil, who wants nothing more than to see to our demise.  It is not a matter of who has more power between the two, because of course God is stronger- hands down, but in this war- man (humans) were given free will.  With that an ability to choose to do evil or good.  God showed me, that He saw when I was being abused, He hurt when I hurt, He was disgusted and angry, but God cannot rain fire from heaven on the offenders when someone is hurt, or strike down dead the perpetrators of hideous crimes with each offense.  God was awesome enough to give us free will in which evil doers choose to inflict evil, but everyone will come under judgment for there crimes, because God sees all. 
 So in short- Devil  + Man Free Will = lots of bad things happening to undeserving people, but yes, God is good...soooo...sooo...good, and evil on earth does not subtract from his awesomeness. 

Salvation- The first step of course is giving your life to Jesus. The rest of the steps are not going to work if you have not accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. In order to kick depression to the curve, you have to have hope in things beyond what you can see. Let me put it this way. If you was to lose everyone you love and all your earthly possessions and your health. What do you have to go on if not a power higher than yourself. I can go on and on about this step however for the sake of keeping attention spans, you can email me with more questions or visit my How to be saved page.

Godly Meditation & Memorization- Philippians 4:8. Thinking on the promises of the scriptures, thinking on things that are amazing, lovely and pure. Spending quiet time with God and on a few favorite scriptures works great when someone is battling sadness. Memorizing scriptures that speaks on who you are in Christ and the promises to you. Replace negative self-talk with these promises.

No, I am not worthless because God says in Psalms 139:14, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Prayer – Psalms 40: 1-3, Psalms 34:17, 1 Peter 5: 6,7
Talk to God about whatever it is that is troubling you. He cares about every aspect of your life. There have been times when I could not actually say what is wrong because the pain was so unbearable. In those times crying is a language. In the midst of those burdened groaning the Holy Spirit comforts.

Praise- 1 Peter 4:12-13, Psalms 42:5, Isaiah 61:3, Easy right... sometimes not so much when you are feeling sad. Press through the emotion though and just praise God. Praise him for your things you have overcome, praise him for everything you can think of. Attend a church service. Listen to some worship music turn it up and dance. All these things will help to lighten your mood.

Questions or comments? Feel free to email me or leave a comment below.

on the back of my neck.  He gets closer with each exhaled breath of my amazing husband.
I feel a wave of nausea.. i feel sick.
I apologize over and over again, but only in my mind, as he would never understand
why- I am
Half here and Half not
A hurricane of emotions - "how can so many feelings be happen at one time?'
Anger, Sadness, Happiness, Anger,  Fear, Pleasure, Anger,
Yes mostly anger, angry at my abusers for why I can't enjoy this time,
anger at myself for being
Half here and Half Not
.  Than - he ask permission- my gentle, amazing husband helping bring me
much closer to reality- without even knowing it.
  I remind myself my feelings are normal and I can be
understanding of my minds battle...gentle with my circumstance
I want to say thank you for asking, but he would never understand - so
the battle stays in my mind- and now only expressed in my blog

The reason I started this blog is I wanted a place where I can be transparent, honest, open, and real.  This post is the most revealing thus far, but in my being open with you I hope you gain some insight from the advice I am going to share.
Are you a sexual abuse survivor?  Are you a survivor of any type of trauma?  I am sure you know what this is like, as you have had your own similar experiences.  It is often hard to describe to our inner circle the feelings that go inside.   We often have either kept our experience hidden or have mentioned it before but afraid to get the "again.. get over it already-look".  You often find yourself isolated and forced to deal with it alone.  I want to say to you though- you are not alone.  Even
in the midst of those times when your memories have been triggered and you feel alone -you are so not alone.  Did you know Jesus cares about these parts of your life too.  These parts that make you feel dirty, angry, ashamed isolated..etc..etc.
God made us with these multitude of emotions and feelings and He understand them.  You are not alone.  In the midst of these times, when your stomach is turning with fear or disgust and you need an escape out of a memory- Did you know you can call on Jesus?  Yes, God is not deaf or blind to our circumstances and in times like this the Holy Spirit does His job so awesomely well. 
If you do not have a relationship with Jesus, than you cannot possibly understand what I mean by this.  I ask you to give God a try.   Ask Jesus into your life, if you have not yet, and see him work in those times where you are engulfed in your memories and triggered by your past "half here-half not".
If you can just call Jesus over and over.. If not aloud whisper it in your spirit.. Jesus - Jesus. Jesus.. help me Jesus.   Help me to discern reality, comfort me Holy Spirit.  I can guarantee you will find solace in Him.
Ps 34:4 I sought the Lord and he heard me, and delivered
me from all my fears
vs 7, The angel of the Lord encampeth round about them that fear
him and deliverth him
vs 15, The eyes of the LORD are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry.

Jesus hears, Jesus knows and He understands. 

He suffered all things.  Jesus understands your pain, your doubts your fears, your shame, your sadness and your mistrust.  In life we need not be in bondage to our fears nor feel lonely in our struggles.  Especially if you are an abuse survivor..  You know how lonely it can be at times, but I wonder have you ever talk to Jesus about that specific issue?   No- I mean really put it out there and told Jesus when you are having a particularly bad day?  When something reminded you of your past and brought you that low feeling.  We become so skilled at hiding our pain, and internalizing it, but with Jesus we don't need to - He already knows!  Have you told Jesus?  Tell Him, He understands. 
That work on the cross, that sacrifice of His life was made for you. To defeat that stronghold Satan have over your life..   Jesus said - IT IS FINISHED

I broke down and told her about the love of Jesus that transformed me.  That Jesus kind of love that picked me up, help me see that I was someone special and worthwhile.  She was interested to know more, so for over 1/2 hour I was able to tell her all about Jesus and how HIS love, HIS forgiveness transformed me and allowed me to go from "that to this".  Towards the end of our visit she shared with me in her many years of practice she has never seen someone who has been through the amount of trauma I had and changed in such a dramatic way.  That it would have taken substantial intervention to create the type of impact Jesus made in me. 
I share this testimony to tell you out there who may be struggling with any type of sin, addiction or bondage, that if you give it all to Jesus, He will transform you in a way you never knew was possible.  In my life from ages 12  to 17 I had bounced between 3 psych hospitals one for over 8 months, 2 group homes, one for almost 2 years and 2 children shelters (with time home between the stays).  I had been on several antidepressant, all types of therapies and there was nothing that helped me.  I am not saying that those things do not help some people.  I am saying though, that real, everlasting, authentic transformation takes a relationship with Jesus. 
If you need that type of transformation in your life take a minute and pray to receive Jesus right now.  If you already have prayed and accepted Christ and still have struggles also bring it to Him.  Jesus loves you and cares about every detail of your life

One evening about six months ago, I felt an overwhelming conviction while I prayed. God showed me that I had become smug in my own salvation and had stepped out of place. I was becoming one of “those” –  those  Christians who were forgetting about the lost and hurting world that He came for; a world that I was a part of for most of my life. Having suffered though abuse from as early as I can remember and having been neglected by drug addicted parents, I was hurting. Bitterness and a lack of any sense of self-worth drove me to do some things I would not even dare cover in a book. Drowning my pain with promiscuity, drug-dealing and gangster life, I was there – a part of a hurting and dying world. But I was introduced to Jesus, who saved me completely, even with all my filthiness and baggage. Having tasted the awesomeness of salvation, I had started to become a little like those who later confessed to me, “I saw you there on the corner; I would have talked to you, but I never thought you were worth it.” No I had never gone as far as to say (or think) that a person without Christ, regardless of their condition, was not worth it, but what was I saying by my complacency? I cried out to God for forgiveness and with the Holy Spirit comforting, helping and guiding I finished the first draft within hours.

Yes, this finished project took a while, but words cannot even express the difference writing this book has made in my life. Even during this whole process of writing, editing and getting out a finished product to you, God has been healing my soul from my past. The stigma of abuse had caused me to feel so ashamed that I did not want anyone to know about the things that still troubled me ever so often. Seeing my story printed and the secrets out there for anyone to see has lifted a load off of me that I had been carrying so long that I did not know it was even possible to put it down. Since the release I have already heard of some great testimonies from people who had similar life traumas and have experienced a new freedom as they open themselves up to receive the deliverance only Jesus can bring.

If you have not purchased “Yes Girl He Loves Me…and Jesus Loves You Too!” please consider a purchase. Proceeds from the purchase goes to cover the cost associated with getting this book in the hands of people who need to hear about the healing love of Jesus