not exactly sure
Eyes adjusting to the darkness, somehow I am half here and half not
I know I am not a child, I know the shadowy figure a few feet from me is that
of my loving Christian husband and not my abuser...
but I am finding it so hard to stay focused.
C'mon get it together!
Movement of the bed, the disturbance of my covers and gentle
loving caresses of my husband.
My alarms have been trigger by default I freeze, pretending to be asleep
unmoved by affection.
I hate this. Half here , Half not
My senses are on fire, smells intensified, in my mind I scream no
but the words never escaped my tightly pierced lips... it would be inappropriate...
and he would never understand.
I hate this, Half here, Half not
I want to escape out of my body, my skin crawls, my hair stands
I feel a wave of nausea.. i feel sick.
I apologize over and over again, but only in my mind, as he would never understand
why- I am
Half here and Half not
A hurricane of emotions - "how can so many feelings be happen at one time?'
Anger, Sadness, Happiness, Anger, Fear, Pleasure, Anger,
Yes mostly anger, angry at my abusers for why I can't enjoy this time,
anger at myself for being
Half here and Half Not
. Than - he ask permission- my gentle, amazing husband helping bring me
much closer to reality- without even knowing it.
I remind myself my feelings are normal and I can be
understanding of my minds battle...gentle with my circumstance
I want to say thank you for asking, but he would never understand - so
the battle stays in my mind- and now only expressed in my blog
The reason I started this blog is I wanted a place where I can be transparent, honest, open, and real. This post is the most revealing thus far, but in my being open with you I hope you gain some insight from the advice I am going to share.
Are you a sexual abuse survivor? Are you a survivor of any type of trauma? I am sure you know what this is like, as you have had your own similar experiences. It is often hard to describe to our inner circle the feelings that go inside. We often have either kept our experience hidden or have mentioned it before but afraid to get the "again.. get over it already-look". You often find yourself isolated and forced to deal with it alone. I want to say to you though- you are not alone. Even
in the midst of those times when your memories have been triggered and you feel alone -you are so not alone. Did you know Jesus cares about these parts of your life too. These parts that make you feel dirty, angry, ashamed isolated..etc..etc.
God made us with these multitude of emotions and feelings and He understand them. You are not alone. In the midst of these times, when your stomach is turning with fear or disgust and you need an escape out of a memory- Did you know you can call on Jesus? Yes, God is not deaf or blind to our circumstances and in times like this the Holy Spirit does His job so awesomely well.
If you do not have a relationship with Jesus, than you cannot possibly understand what I mean by this. I ask you to give God a try. Ask Jesus into your life, if you have not yet, and see him work in those times where you are engulfed in your memories and triggered by your past "half here-half not".
If you can just call Jesus over and over.. If not aloud whisper it in your spirit.. Jesus - Jesus. Jesus.. help me Jesus. Help me to discern reality, comfort me Holy Spirit. I can guarantee you will find solace in Him.
Ps 34:4 I sought the Lord and he heard me, and delivered
me from all my fears
vs 7, The angel of the Lord encampeth round about them that fear
him and deliverth him
vs 15, The eyes of the LORD are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry.
Jesus hears, Jesus knows and He understands.